Exchanging memories and meaning in the resolution process

After a weekend of 50^th anniversary’s (President Kennedy’s assassination and the first episode of Dr Who) I recall in detail my own experience of 22 November 1963. My mum and dad had gone out to the cinema and left me and my twin brother and my older sister to get ourselves to bed as they would be late.  My sister was 17 and was very organised getting me and my brother in our pyjamas good and early. When we saw the announcement about President Kennedys’ assassination on our grainy black and white TV we didn’t know what to say or do. Eventually we wrote a brief note for mum and dad ‘Kennedy Assassinated’ on a scrap of paper and got on with watching what I believe was a comedy tv programme – Harry Worth ( He did a weird reflection routine in a shop window in the titles). Laughing just seemed wrong. It seemed we had lost a relative not just a politician.

We went up to bed a little late and I was startled and apparently very tearful and dozey when mum and dad came in from the cinema and woke us all up when they saw the note. They had not yet heard the news! That could not happen today with mobiles and the internet!

This story reminds me how important exchanging memories and meaning are in resolution processes. Memories often do cluster around significant events but can remain dormant until the event is recalled. It is these memories that give the event meaning. For mediators it is all about exploring narrative and exchanging meaning. Mediators will encounter at least two different versions of the same events. They do not need to decide which is true but unlock each narrative and get the parties to exchange meaning. What has happened in the conflict scenario becomes less important as what it means grows in significance.

With shared / common events a listener can get distracted by internally comparing his / her version with the speaker. This is where clean sheet listening comes in handy with each party to mediation in separate party sessions - putting aside your own experience, suspending judgement and using open questions to build narrative and understand what is important to the speaker.

With the parties together you may need a prolonged period of structured sharing and open exploration of what each party believes has happened and what it means. Resist and challenge requests to validate one version above the other. Eventually people may need to agree to differ about what significance the events have. The mediator’s role here is to move beyond the past and create a new understanding between the parties which will create a new future without disrespecting the events of the past.

By the way, although the moment may have passed please let us know what you were doing on the 21 or 22 November 1965? Sharing memories is great.

  

John Crawley

Mediation – transforming workplaces - Are you resolution ready?

As we’re about to launch our ABC guide to Workplace Conflict Resolution I wanted to expand the conventionally narrow definition of mediation as a ‘dispute resolution process facilitated by an impartial third party who assist the parties to resolve disputes in a safe, confidential, constructive setting.’

I see mediation as a life / work role that people need to step into when circumstances suggest it might be appropriate and when it is potentially useful to others. Like other life roles – manager, carer, parent, friend or partner – the mediation role involves the deployment of a group of identifiable behaviours such as impartiality, active listening, conflict facilitation and resolution techniques. These skills are hugely beneficial in the workplace for leaders and managers.

Mediation also involves using language in a neutral, non-judgemental way – for example saying to people what you need from them rather than what you think of them.

Resolving to get the best out of people

The mediation approach to conflict resolution is driven by a set of optimistic values[1]:

•       Conflict is OK and can lead to positive growth and change

•       Most people do not choose to be difficult or negative with others , but become so when their needs are not being met, or when their own needs clash with others

•       Win/win solutions are more satisfactory than win/lose

•       People at work have common interests but often fail to recognise them when in a conflict

•       People can balance their own needs with others and find mutually acceptable resolutions

•       People often do not think straight when they are in a stressful situation but are able to come up with workable solutions if their stress is reduced

•       Conflict resolution enables diverse communities to understand and work with one another to achieve their full potential

•       Once people who have different views and values start communicating constructively about their differences they will be more able to work together and trust one another.

Mediation turns an argument into a win/win discussion and agreement. Workplaces will benefit tremendously if mediation values, thinking and behaviour is put at the centre of people management strategies. See how you can do this in the soon to be published ABC Guide to Workplace Conflict resolution. Sign up to receive your copy here. 

John Crawley

[1] Argument to Agreement – Resolving Disputes through Mediation, Crawley J, published by JCMediation June 2012

When is a Mediation not a Mediation? When it’s ‘Conflict Coaching’

Recently we have handled a number of cases where a manager is ‘in dispute’ with a team, or vice versa and we have developed an interesting hybrid approach which offers much to mediation but also to coaching.

Mediation’s strength is its ability to encourage people to move towards common ground, rebuild communication and resolve issues. In these team versus manager situations there are often power issues (e.g. 5 team members v one manager) and blocking behaviours (e.g. lack of of self awareness and destructive, habitual negative management habits) which inhibit the success of mediation.

As many of our consultants have a wide range of assessment, coaching, facilitation and mediation skills they have been successfully creating a tailored process which involves three main ingredients:

o   ‘Conflict coaching’ with individuals (often the manager) where necessary to encourage behavioural change and build self-awareness

o   Mini-mediations to build resolution and rebuild trust

o   A team mediation to reset working relationships, reset future working and restore performance.

This approach is particularly useful we find when a manager or particular team member has had a series of difficult situations. All coaching services explicitly aim for supportive and appropriate behaviour change. Coaches don’t just listen, observe and encourage they must challenge too. Coaching is about improvement and change. ‘Conflict coaching’ utilises a number of tried and tested facilitation and ‘breakthrough’ techniques developed from our years of successful work with challenging situations at work. All our practitioners are committed to a non-blaming and constructive approach.

This hybrid of coaching and mediation is proving successful with a range of customers and can unstick some very blocked situations. We can, of course, also train people in conflict-coaching skills and watch out for some new training courses in this area.

Contact John Crawley for more information.